Spring/Summer 2021...within three months, I had left a toxic marriage, filed for a divorce; was granted said divorce; moved; started completely over; received a promotion; and was diagnosed with Covid.
I went through MUCH in a very short amount of time. Transitions, changes, & sickness (OH MY!). I tried to keep going, however Covid truly forced me to stop. The first few days I had it, I just felt like I had a bad cold. Then after about a week I had a day where I started to feel better. I was hopeful. Suddenly, things took a turn for the worse. I could hardly breathe. I could hardly stand. I lost my appetite completely. I had hardly any energy. I was hallucinating. I lost my taste and smell. I cried so much. I was scared to go to sleep because I didn't know if I would wake up. I would beg and plea and pray.... "God please just let me live. Please. I'll make sure I recommit my life. I'll do anything if you just don't let my life end like THIS...Please help me..."
A very special person had came into my life just before I became ill, and in retrospect he was a piece of my answered prayer. He didn't believe me when I said I was "okay". He didn't take lightly that I wasn't answering calls or texts or posting to social media. After nearly two weeks he had enough and I had to finally swallow my pride. I just didn't want him (or anyone for that matter) to see me like this. He literally took off from his job, set up an air mattress in my living room, and took care of me. He cleaned up my home. He sat with me in the bathroom when all I could do was cry because I was so out of breath and in pain from not being able to breathe normally. He helped me in and out of the shower when all I could do was sit on the bathtub floor and cry as I tried to bathe (I had such a difficult time getting to the bathroom, it had been just over a week since my last shower). This is when I felt a shift in my health and began to feel better. The power of someone simply being there...someone who had no reason to provide the type of care that he did. He had only known me just a little while. But he was there.
After just over a month of being sick, I finally felt well enough to return to work. However, it took me about 2 months to fully heal. My breathing was still very challenging. I had severe brain fog. My energy was low. My skin changed drastically. I had white patches all over my face. The skin across my hair lined peeled. My entire body became inflamed and I had a severe flair up of my eczema.
It was around the time I returned to work when my hair started falling out. This was a residual affect of Covid and my body regulating itself again. I lost at least 1/3 of my hair. I also lost just over an inch of my edges. My hair was falling out in large clumps. I could hear my hair coming out of my scalp every time I touched it. I was devastated. I sat just crying...worried...overwhelmed... and when I thought my hair had finally stopped falling out, about 6 inches just broke off. Almost like someone took scissors to it. My brain was like WTF........
It took awhile for me to regain my strength, my energy, and my confidence. I isolated myself to facilitate intentional and mindful healing... slowly... and without social media, influences, opinions, or unnecessary energy. I had several self-talks about true beauty, and the superficial self-love I had been giving myself. I went within, and I went DEEP. I did the internal work necessary for me to emerge.
And... I did ALOT of scalp massages and treated my hair and myself with kindness as it grew back, which it has.
Once I made up my mind to NOT be a victim to any of my circumstances, I began to see a transformation from the inside out. I was changing. I changed. I transformed, and with that, the direction of myself and my brand become very clear to me. I heard God in my heart very clearly..."none of this happened to you, it happened FOR you".
I was being pruned. Layers were shedding.
I healed into a different version of myself. A woman who no longer needed validation, and realized social media had been a major source of that, due to the voids in my real life. A woman who no longer desired nor needed attention because she was ALL the love and like she needed. A woman who could live and love freely without an audience. A woman who finally loved herself with intention, and thus finally attracted the same love she had been manifesting and exuding.
The new and healing me (because healing is an active journey, not a point of arrival) required a new brand voice. It required the vision I had always sought after, but now I could unapologetically manifest it because I was finally leaning into my divine femininity and knew HOW to without the superficial qualities I THOUGHT femininity was.
This meant a brand voice that no longer has products for men. No more harshness. No "hustle" vibes. Only softness...alignment...balance...grace...and sacred vaginal healing and wellness.
It meant discontinuing all the products that had nothing to do with vaginal health. While I loved making the butters and oils, that is not where my purpose nor heart was at anymore. I knew... I know... the focus should be on holistic WOMBmanhood. THIS is where true healing starts...within the womb...where life begins.
Thank you for your patience, grace, and overstanding during my time of solidarity. It was due to my season of intentional inner work and self-love that has allowed me to emerge as an even greater force for feminine work and healing.
Welcome back to The Herbal Trap.
With Love,
Jocellyn
Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust. Living simply makes loving simple. To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving.
-Bell Hooks
